Monday, February 28, 2011

? ? ?

I couldn't even come up with a name for this post. I couldn't even decide if I wanted to write the post at all. I'm just trying to take all the advice given to me and make the best of what I perceive to be a bad situation.

First of all, today has been one of "those" days. It was a rainy Monday morning after vacation week. Now vacation week is a relative term. If you ask me, it was not a vacation at all. I had two kids, out of school and stuck inside (out backyard has been a combination of a mudslide and a skating rink for the past week) for an entire week. In and of itself, that is bad enough, but add the fact that I also had to be studying for an exam which would take place on Friday. Studying with two children in the house is a feat in itself. Said children fought, squabbled, bickered, taunted each other and drove me NUTS almost all day every day. Just for kicks, try concentrating in an environment like that and let me know how it turns out for you. . . Anyway, I digress, back to today being one of "those" days. My alarm clock woke me up on this gray, dreary morning, spewing information about horrific traffic conditions, accidents, road closings, flooding -- they basically painted a picture of Armageddon with their traffic report. Oh goody. I managed to drag myself out of bed despite this lovely news. I left early in anticipation of a long ride. The ride wasn't so bad, it was slow going but not as horrendous as expected. As I pulled off the Exit for Rt. 6 in Johnston I saw something that was far worse than any gray cloud looming above. No, it wasn't a horrific accident, or anything of the sort. . .something that was very important to me was GONE. I know this all seems very enigmatic, but I assure you I will explain, just be patient. Those that know me know how deep my faith in Jesus Christ is, and I praise His name every day for the blessings He has bestowed upon me and my family. His presence in my life is overwhelming and I know that every step I take He is right beside me. I found a lovely reminder of this the first time I drove to Rhode Island College via Rt. 295, on a natural rock wall along the the exit for Rt. 6 someone had spray painted a stencil of the words "Praise Jesus". Each day as I drove by these words I was reminded of what an amazing blessing it is to have Jesus in my life and I would say a quick prayer of thanksgiving as I took that exit ramp. Now I am not a big fan of graffiti, but for this I make an exception. So, to get back to today -- this morning when I drove by and looked for those words, they were gone. Gone. Just gone. Painted over by black paint at some point between Friday morning and today. The sadness I felt was heavy. It took me several minutes to realize that I don't need those words on that rock. Then I realized that my sadness was really for the person who took that black paint and covered those words, because they don't know Jesus, if they did they wouldn't have felt the need to black out those words, which acted as an inspiration for at least me, and probably many others. So mostly, some black paint on a rock is what really ruined my day. I chose to pray for the person who blacked out the words and moved on.

So the real reason that I hesitated to write this blog was not because today was one of "those" days. It is because I got my results from last week's exams. Monday's exam on 'Nutrition as a Therapeutic Intervention' went relatively well and I walked away with an 87.5. I wasn't thrilled with that but it will do -- I can take a B+ and walk away without weeping. Friday's exam was an entirely different story. The class was Professional Nursing I and the content was based on the history of nursing, Nursing Models and Theories and the Nursing Process. Gee, that sentence makes it all seem cut and dry and simple. Not so much. I did what I could to study for the exam, with two children on school vacation, who were trapped in the house, bickering and taunting each other all week. I did have help from a friend on Thursday who took the kids for part of the day, despite that fact that her dog got sprayed by a skunk at 5 am that morning! --- Thank you Doreen, you are one of my angels on earth! :) I did get a lot of studying done that afternoon, but never felt very confident in myself with that particular material. Anyway, to make a long story short, because I am sure that you know this isn't going end well and the suspense is just killing you. I wound up with a 78 on Friday's exam. To say that I am disappointed in myself would be an understatement. A 78. I haven't even looked to see what letter grade that translates to but I am pretty sure that it is a C+. For me, a C+ is failing -- failing myself. I can do better than that. My disappointment in myself supercedes everything else. I have the best friends a girl could ask for, they are all so supportive telling me that nursing school is hard. I know it is hard, you don't have to tell me it is hard, I am living it and IT IS HARD!!!!! Bottom line is I HATE that number and am going to do everything in my power to be sure that I never have to see it again (at least not in pertaining to a grade of mine!) I could rant and rave a make a thousand excuses but I am not going to do that because it is a waste of energy and I cannot afford to waste any energy on useless things. I am just going to regroup, keep my chin up and DO BETTER NEXT TIME!!!!

I suppose everyone has that one thing in their life that they just assume will always be there. It may be a person, an object, a smiling face, a sweet smell, or a great grade on an exam. Things that are just always there get taken for granted, until they are gone. Kind of like my "Praise Jesus" graffiti. I guess sometimes it is just important to appreciate the little things and never take them for granted. I will not forget how blessed I am to be in Nursing School!

Looking back over this post, I am realizing how mishmoshed it seems. There's a lot going on, but somehow it all came together in the end. That's all we can really hope for, is that it all comes together in the end.

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